You know, it probably appears sometimes, as you read what I write on this blog, that I arrogantly think I'm outside of the 'primate' sphere of our humanity (or so I've been told, anyway). No, let's be real, undeniably I'm just an 'evolved monkey' like everyone else on this blue marble, unspectacular in every way, and am just as subject to the forces of evolution and my environment as every other person here now and who have ever been here.
(at least, when I'm not paying attention *wink* *wink*)
So let me meekly submit this...
What I'm going to say is going to sound a little bit hard.
And it IS hard.
I'm going to say something that might feel sad but I've experienced it in my own life many times and I'm not writing glibbly at all. I hope maybe, that insights I've had might be helpful to someone.
So, here it is...
You're whatever age —— and you find yourself lamenting the fact that you don't have a good relationship in your life; a steady, committed, loyal, dependable, loving relationship in your life.
That's a real thing.
It isn't just a mental condition, midlife crisis, teenage angst, or whatever society might tell you.
This is a real thing for you.
It's fine to be sad about it.
Maybe you've tried and tried many different things in different ways and nothing changes.
Maybe you were blinded by your hopes and didn't notice the signs until it was a little late.
Maybe you have a partner right now or maybe find yourself alone.
Whatever the situation, this undeniably is how you feel right now. That part is real for you.
What to do?
Well, you need to step back.
You need to accept it.
You need to end the lamenting and worrying.
You need to mourn it.
You need to end this path-through-the-bush heading in a fruitless direction.
You need to notice, to realize it, deal with it, then back up and take a different, fresh route.
But this is the key point; it is most important to finalize it in a formal, solid way. Not just brush it off then find it lingering around you forever, like pesky spider webs brushing across your face without notice or a mosquito buzzing your ears every once in awhile.
Mourning is the period during which one is officially grieving or regretting a loss, death or ending.
You need to mourn it as being a true situation in your life right now — and it needs to be an official recognition. Not necessarily as a condition that is always to be true but you need to mourn the fact that up until now, this has been your reality, especially now.
Your mind and body need to experience a definite 'cutting of ties', a 'letting go'.
This has happened in my life. Things that just didn't go the way I wanted or expected.
I've had relationships that slowly became weird where I eventually had to just stop and say, "You know what? This is just never going to be right and I'm not going to live my life chasing it and trying to change it and worrying why it never gets better" especially when I see no reciprocal effort or concessions on their end.
I simply had to mourn for it — then 'bury' it — then move on — and that's what I did.
That mourning period consisted of a stretch of time of turbulent reflection and anxiety where I concentrated on understanding the issues, conflicts, and losses. And many times you'll discover that you, in fact, have things you need to work on as well. That's a hard realization too. (Self-awareness is a prime tool in growing, after-all, and one we all need to constantly hone). I delt with all the angles in my mind and how these all affected my feelings and actions.
...an official effort.
It was certainly painful and these were very sad, low times for me
... but then, one day, it was over.
Once you've understood it, mourned it, buried it, —— you'll gradually feel the burden lift.
You can now go about building a life that is beautiful as it is, the best way you can, without previous conflicts hanging on to the corners of your existence, trying to pull it down.
Sure, there's always going to be a void there, but it will gradually fill in, mostly, and eventually not be as intrusive; more of a marker of where life has taken you.
You know, this is why society has funerals.
Funerals are the perfect example of how we reconcile ourselves with the passing of things we once had and deal with the grief that follows.
We lose something. Something is taken from us. Something was never ours anyway...
Our tradition is to allow ourselves to feel the pain of the loss. To mourn, to weep, to feel sorry for ourselves and the one gone. We immerse ourselves in the pain of letting go.
After an intense time of deep emotion, we eventually surface later on.
We say goodbye. We bury our sorrow. We move on.
We all lose things in life, we all take hits in life.
There's a great line from 'Rocky' "It's not how hard you hit, it's how hard you get hit and keep on moving forward". That is good wisdom. Accept what is, mourn it, bury it and now wake up on the new day and move forward from there.
Be a survivor.
Afterwards, solid, new people are more likely to come into your life (if that's what you want) if you let go of the past, let go of your hurdles and sadness and move forward, than if you keep eagerly hoping to modify sketchy situations that you are in that aren't working well anyway. They'll see your strength and confidence and belief-in-yourself.
Build a life that is as fulfilling as you can make it, as joyful as you can make it, and one that will eventually reflect how you feel about yourself, that reflects the best 'you' and your existence.
Sometimes you have to let-go to be happy.
It hurts, it's hard, but probably necessary...